Why we need to stop fearing the wrestle: The case for rough and tumble play
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When we walk through an early childhood centre, the quiet rooms are often the ones praised for being calm and controlled. We have been conditioned to believe that a "good" classroom is one where babies are sitting still and toddlers are playing quietly with blocks. But if you look at the science of how a child’s brain actually develops, those moments of "rough" play that make us nervous are actually the primary training ground for a child’s emotional health.
I recently shared a video over on Facebook showing what this high energy connection looks like in real time, and the conversation it sparked was so important. You can watch that reel here: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1408378820161973
Understanding the resistance in our rooms
It is completely understandable why educators and families feel hesitant about physical play. We want to keep children safe, and the sight of children wrestling or chasing can trigger an immediate "stop that" response. However, when we look closer at each age group, we can see how this fear might be holding children back from a vital developmental milestone.
The Nursery: The physical touch gap
In our baby rooms, we often see a gap in vigorous playful interaction. Educators are so focused on protection that they might avoid lifting, bouncing, or the kind of high energy physical touch that builds a baby’s awareness of their own body. This interaction is the precursor to true rough and tumble play, and it is where a child first learns that physical touch is a safe and joyful way to connect.
The Toddler Room: When connection looks like "naughty" behaviour
This is the age where we start seeing hair pulling, pushing, or snatching. For a toddler, these are often just clumsy attempts at connection. If they haven’t had the chance to play roughly with an adult who sets firm boundaries, they don't yet know where their body ends and the other child's begins. They aren't being "naughty," they are simply missing the input they need to understand their own strength.
The Preschool Room: The peak of the wrestle
By the time children reach preschool, their desire for rough and tumble play peaks. This is also when the resistance from educators is often the highest because the play looks so much like "real" fighting. But this is exactly the age where children need to practice "controlled confrontations" to build their impulse control.
The science of the "activation" bond
Research shows that rough and tumble play is a biological universal, and it is something almost all mammals do to survive. It is often referred to as "activation parenting," which is a style of connection that stimulates and encourages a child within safe, firm boundaries.
This type of play is directly linked to the development of the frontal lobe. This is the part of the brain responsible for self regulation and the ability to manage big emotions. When a child is in the middle of a wrestle, they are in a "hot" play context. They are excited, their heart rate is up, and they are experiencing high arousal. Learning how to stay in control and not "flip their lid" in that moment is a skill that transfers directly to the schoolyard and the classroom.
How to tell the difference: Play vs. Aggression
One of the biggest hurdles for educators is knowing when to let the play continue and when to step in. True rough and tumble play has very specific markers that distinguish it from genuine aggression:
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The Play Face: Children will have open, relaxed expressions, often with laughter or smiles.
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Role Reversal: One child will be on top, and then they will swap. It is a back and forth exchange, not one child dominating the other.
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Self Handicapping: A bigger child or an adult will intentionally slow down or use less strength to keep the play safe and enjoyable for the smaller child.
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The Togetherness: When the play ends, the children stay together. In a real fight, they separate and move away from each other.
A note for our dads and male educators
To the men working in early childhood or the dads at home, your natural style of play is a necessity, not an option. You are often the ones who provide the "heavy work" and the "firm pressure" that a child's nervous system craves to feel secure. By being a firm and assertive playmate, you are teaching children how to manage their aggression before it becomes a problem.
If we keep children in a bubble where they never touch each other, we are depriving them of the chance to learn restraint. We need to stop seeing the wrestle as a problem to be solved and start seeing it as a skill to be coached.
If you want to read the research papers for yourself, I have put the full articles in a folder for you here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/19akAiU7jRqRz6x5EDRoH7xEAXA2erjXY?usp=sharing.